Who can you trust? - How to Speed Read People 2020
- Richmond Fabrez
- Sep 8, 2020
- 7 min read
Updated: Sep 8, 2020
Trust no one...says the fool--well, because only a fool would say something so foolish. The truth is, whether we like it or not, we have to trust people. That's life.
Allow me to explain why and how to give your trust so you could determine WHO to trust.
As we age, we realize the need to develop ESSENTIAL LIFE SKILLS--and one of them is TRUST.
In one of my previous content, I have mentioned that NO ONE IS AN ISLAND.
We actually need to live interacting with all kinds of people.
Some people are more dear to us and some are just acquaintances.
But what we fail to grasp sometimes is that we trust the same people multiple times per day--regardless of the level of our relationship with them, we just simply, inescapably, give a portion of our trust away every single day.
This is very simple to understand.
As a matter of fact, once you understand what creates that bond of trust between two people and when that process starts, then you can use "trust" to your advantage in the sense of having a re-alignment with people whom you can and want to depend on.
Let me clarify using these hypothetical examples:
Suppose that you are crossing the road at the intersection, and then all of a sudden, you spot a car coming toward you. What do you think you'll do?
We'll assume that you will just keep on crossing. Why?
Well, because you trust that the incoming car won't run you over. As a matter of fact, you trust that the car is going to slow down or stop. And as expected, the car does!
Another example, you go to McDonald’s and order a meal.
A female staff takes your order and then, you pay. What do you think will happen next?
Well, you trust that after she takes your money, she'll hand over your food, right? Normally, you wouldn’t think that she will just get your payment and forget about you. You trust that you will get what you ordered.
And why is that? Because we operate in a system of expectations--and further, we actually understand each other’s MOTIVATION.
Our motivation is the driver behind our actions. Most of the time, we can easily figure out a person's motivation through the guidance of our intuition.
Now, let's go back to the driver of the car I mentioned while you were crossing the street.
What do you think was his motivation?
Naturally, we can assume that because the car driver does not know you personally, he does not care about you.
BUT, we can safely assume instead that he cares for his own life--because if he runs you over, he will get into trouble and might even go to jail. His real motivation in mind was: to just cautiously drive from point A to point B and not run over anyone.
The same goes for the McDonald’s staff, her motivation is to keep doing her job well so that she can continue earning a living.
So she does it by taking food orders, taking payments for it to put inside the cash register, then getting your meal ready to be handed to you.
That’s her motivation.
And because you understand the motivation of both the driver and the staff, you have no problem trusting them. Do you see the point?
Once you understand somebody’s motivation, you can trust them.
So what does trust mean?
Trust means being able to anticipate somebody's actions based on their motivation. Trust is--you and another person both know what you expect or want them to do--and vice versa.
Trust in relationships
Now, let's move on to more complex examples.
How can we apply this simple concept of trust to relationships--like dating and marriage? How does this fit?
Let’s now suppose that you’re dating a person you're attracted to.
He or she may be smart, funny, caring, and good-looking.
However, that person clearly states that he or she just wants to have a good time with you and still wants to play around.
Therefore, their actions follow through their intentions. That’s their motivation.
The question is, can you trust the person?
Well actually, I'm asking the wrong question.
The question should be - “Can you trust this person to be LOYAL to you?”
Because, on the other hand, your motivation is to find a person with whom you can share a serious and committed relationship.
With that in mind, you soon realize that you have different motivations.
So, that is an obvious - “NO”.
You can't trust this person to be loyal to you. WHY NOT?
Because you understand that the phrase "I just want to have a good time" means that the second this person doesn't feel like he or she is having "fun" anymore, they will leave you, and maybe find somebody else.
But what happens if you find somebody who makes it clear to you that he/she wants to have a happy, serious, committed relationship or marriage like you do?
Then you both have similar motivations. You are both aligned with what you want.
So, can you trust that person?
Again, that’s the wrong question.
The question is, do you expect this person to betray you?
The answer will be NO. Why?
Because this person will not risk ruining what they have been longing for.
This person will not risk your relationship or LOSING YOUR TRUST.
Do you see my point?
As I said, Understanding people’s motivation is key to trust.
BUT, another point, you still have to listen to what people say what they want and observe if their actual actions correlate with one another.
Again, for example, a person says that he or she wants to keep having a serious relationship with you, but you find them partying every night, getting wasted, and going home with random people.
Then, obviously, their words and actions are a total mismatch.
Your conclusion NOT to trust the person depends on your interpretation of their actions.
You can trust the person if their motivation and actions align.
Trust in Business
This time, let me give you a business example:
Let’s say you have a friend you've known for years.
And you guys have decided to be partners in starting a coffee shop.
On your part, you make sure that you work very hard because you want to put in all your heart to build the best coffee shop in town.
On the flip side, can you trust your partner to do the same hard work and put in all their heart into the business?
Well, if you know your partner well enough and you know without question that his or her motivation is also to build the best coffee shop in town, then, of course, you can trust your business partner.
But, if you've proven their motivation as quite different from yours, then you have to re-align your goals or just re-consider the partnership.
When you read novels or watch meaningful films, try to observe the motivation of each character.
Notice that some of their motivations are out-in-the-open while some are hidden.
And a lot of times, their actions reveal their true motivations, irrespective of what they are saying.
The media we are digesting every day can actually be material that teaches us about human motivation--one strong example is, how bad people do things--but not because they are necessarily just bad and hopeless people, but because they had strong motives for their negative behavior.
And if you understand those strong motives, then you can “anticipate” them.
You can figure out their next actions by identifying familiar triggering points--then you can potentially prevent a problem from happening.
Not trusting is childish
It’s actually funny when I hear people say - “I don’t trust women" or “I don’t trust men” or “I can’t trust people to work with me.”
Because when they say those things, they are basically saying ー” I just can't seem to understand what drives people.” or “I don’t understand what motivates people.”
Because simply put, you really cannot trust anybody if you don’t know what’s driving them.
Because TRUST, after all, is knowing and believing in what somebody is going to do.
It's completely knowing what they are going to do. Do you see the point? That’s TRUST.
All we need to do is pay attention to the motivation of people.
But other people cannot seem to pay even a decent amount of attention to this matter--they don't pay attention to people's motivation, because these people are mostly “self-centered" and childish--because If we observe children, they only pay attention to themselves and not to the wider world.
And for me, that’s actually one of the notable differences between adults and children.
A child only pays attention to his or her own impulses, whims, and desires--while adults learn to pay attention and give importance to understanding others.
Not trusting other people is actually childish, therefore, trusting is one of the most adult things to do.
We need to learn to give, receive, and value trust--IT'S A MUST.
Therefore, the first thing we need to do when we meet people and before wanting to have a deeper relationship with them is to understand is what drives them as a person. What is this person aiming for? What is their motivation?
That’s the very first thing we need to figure out--and then, we will be able to anticipate their succeeding series of actions. THEN, we will be able to trust.
Don't trust subjective feelings
The greatest bonds of trust arise between or among people who want the same thing - AKA, having a "commonality" in motivations.
This is the key to TRUST.
But be careful of looking for a common "subjective feeling" like "being happy" with another person--sad to say you'll realize in the process that you won't be able to trust one another because the problem is---happiness is different for each person.
It's subjective.
What you might find very enjoyable, the other person might not, and vice versa.
What you might find very important, the other person might find trivial, and again, vice versa.
And if one day, this person is no longer “happy" and decides to end your relationship, all the years and effort you spent with this person will all be for nothing.
Trust by having objective goals
Remember this: hanging unto subjective feelings will betray you sooner than later because subjective feelings change. It’s a recipe for disaster.
But if you and the people in your life are aiming for an objective goal, specifically, a "common objective goal", then things will be very different.
Having or developing these types of goals--by constantly talking about it, reminding each other of it, and going into specifics like, let's say, you both want to live in another country, or have a child together, or start a business in a specific industry at a specific time, both of you will develop trust as you strive towards achieving your common goal.
Through these objective goals, you can believe that both of you will keep the end of the bargain because all of your efforts will go towards your goals. Therefore, you can both start to feel immense satisfaction that you can completely trust one another.
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